Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Scared as hell

Truth is, I always give up and cave in because I am scared as hell to be alone....scratch that..not alone, just never finding someone. There. It's out there and it's in the open now. I am scared to be alone. What if I never find anyone? What if I live a lonely life as the cat woman with a few dogs?

I can't do it.

I mean , If I were a guy...I would date me in a heartbeat. (is that really bad to say?!)

Here lately, I have has a few charming guys walk into my life. The first obviously didn't work out and the next few...well I am just not interested in dating right now. Or maybe it's just I am not interested in dating them? I have such a bitter taste in my mouth that I just cannot even think about it. Unless it's with Mr. Jaded (not real name....real name is secret.) Basically the story goes that he is so jaded and will not open with feelings to many. Maybe even none. But for some reason, I play the game with him. My terms and on his terms. There's a little glimmer of hope on the inside that says "hey, maybe this time if you don't freak out and run back to what you know, that maybe he will see you are real and that you aren't going anywhere." But really y'all, it's not about the boys and the love, and the blah blah blah. It's about having time to myself. It's about getting to know myself again and to act how I want. (Appropriately of course ). But not a day goes by that I wonder if my husband is out there. Trust me when I say, I am in NO RUSH to get married or have kids. A whole new life path has opened up before me and I am doing it and I am doing it B I G. I have made the decision to go to Nursing School. Eventually climb the ladder and my ultimate is to be a Nurse Practitioner. So...when I say I have and will have my hands full..that is no joke.

I just need to figure out patience. I need to remind myself that there are good guys out there and that I will have my guy one day. The man who appreciates me and loves me for ME. Who respects my values and my morals.

Trust me when I say, I ain't going back down the path I just got off of. It was a mutual agreement and ended peacefully. The way it should have. I can't rush love and I cannot be with someone because I am lonely. In time, it will happen. And until then I will enjoy my time and load myself up with my studies.

Learning to not be scared as hell will also be added to that "to-do" list.

For the time being, I am going to run my little butt. Study my life away. And laugh at the confusion- because when you look at the big picture, I am a blessed girl who has amazing friends and family. I have a life that I am BEYOND thankful for and I have a God THAT LOVES ME. My best interest is in HIS mind.

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