The now

It's a rainy day here today. Which means, I am a happy girl. 

Got on my leggings, an oversized t, a comfy too big guys pullover..that I want to keep but have to give back, and a hot cup of coffee right next to me on the couch.

And in this moment, I am happy. 

Contentment is found in the now things. The now moments. 

Not in a man, not in future plans, not what happened Monday night or 2 months ago. (Yes, we need to be content with all areas of our lives..but I think you know what I am saying here.)

It is found in the now.

I've always been the girl who has dreamed of a wedding and babies and a husband that I could grow old with. I was looking to the future and never the current. Always planning ahead and setting my hopes on that. Never fully looking around and be thankful and happy with the current. 

But that has all changed. 

Those of you who know me, or have been keeping up with the blog over the past few months, you all know I've been going through changes that shifted my whole life. And yes, I was knocked down.

When I say it's all changed it has. 

For the first time, I am thinking about myself. I have goals set that I can and will reach. My story to the beginning of Nursing school and how I left it all in God's hands is such a testimony of faith in my life. It is a step. Stepping into the unknown in my sight, but the known in God's sight. I have never wanted anything more than I do right now. 

I knew if I didn't take the step, ask for help and make a change, then I would not be able to make it through Nursing school. My mind, my heart, my emotions..I couldn't handle. I knew I had to make a change. I found the courage to do so. 

Have the courage to ask for help.

I took a few days and went to Mississippi- it ended up being a two day trip but it was priceless time I would never exchange. I do most of my thinking in the car. There is something about the windows down, music on, and a road forever in front of you. My mind processed things. Everything.

Friendships, to relationships, to school, to family...to organizing. I mean seriously. I had so much time to just think.

A relationship is really on the bottom of my list right now. I mean if God feels the timing is right and something arises, then amazing. But, I, will not be trying to have a relationship without God in it. Sure, I want to settle down and have babies. But I'm almost 24 and I am seeing that the past 6 years of my life that's all I ever thought about. I never thought about my wants in life. I have figured out my wants in life and I am running with it. I am taking off with it. Always chase your dreams. Never let anyone discourage you, or hold you back from pursuing your dreams. Surround yourself with people who want to see you reach those dreams. It is so important to have friends who lift you up.

I say all of that above to make a point. We all have wants, we all have goals. But in my heart I honestly know, I need to be content with the now. I do not need to stress and focus on future. To be truly happy, take a look around. Even if in your life there are circumstances you aren't the happiest with...there IS good in your life. There is. You have a God who loves you unconditionally, and you are breathing. 

Be happy with your now and always always always keep your hope.

Dear (insert name),

This week I am leaving town for a bit. Not sure how long, but enough time to clear my mind and become refreshed. I plan on spending an abundance of time with my grandparents and family in Mississippi. Riding the jet skis daily, loving my job and working it with everything I have, and taking time to get to know me. Some days, I literally just cry all day long. This past month has been a roller coaster ride that I do not want to be on. "Friends" have proven themselves, true friends have been by my side, apologies have been given and made, and my heart is still spinning. So, I decided to write a little letter. 

Dear,

Boy who thinks he is God's gift to women-when I think about you and the feelings I have toward you, I really get mad. To play with someone's mind and heart like you did is not okay. I understand you're jaded. I understand you're hurting and healing. But what I refuse to try and understand is the fact that what you did is not ok. I'm so tired of people trying to justify it and make it ok...because its not. For your sake, I hope you put the bottle down.


Man who is what I've wanted but can't seem to grasp- you are too good. Everything I've wanted a man to be. And here you are. Patiently waiting for me to get myself together. I won't ask you to wait for me, but I will tell you thank you for sticking by me.

Not my future- at my lowest point you were there. At my lowest point you are still here. You will always have a piece of my heart. I want you to know that no matter what, no matter the words I say, I will be thankful for the time we spent together. I hope you find your happiness

Girl who wanted to be my friend but...- I wanted to trust you. I wanted to be your friend. I always look for the best in people and give the benefit of the doubt. Maybe that is something I need to work on stopping. But in you, I saw hurt. I saw frustration and i knew you needed a ear to listen. I know what it's like and I know how it is to need a friend. But at this point in time, I gotta walk on.

Girl who has been by my side since before I made a change- you are the definition of a true friend. You love and support me no matter what. No matter the decisions I make, you still have my back. Your words have impacted me more than you know, and I thank you for being that voice to speak. That person to not judge because you, yourself have been in the situations I am in. You are an amazing person.

People who would love to see me fall, or who love to play games/use me- None of you are worth my time. Not one of you. To take advantage of someone really takes a low person. Either you are so insecure with yourselves or you're just that cruel. Be the friend jumpers you are and conform to who you hang out with. My time will no longer be wasted with me worrying about you or thinking you are my "friends". You hang out with poison, you become poison.  End of story.

My family- I know lately you don't even know me. My words and my actions have been anything but loving. But I am going through things that I don't share. I am working on myself and the person I want to be. Sometimes, I just need to be alone. I need no words to be said. I need no badgering being done. No arguing. I just need to work through this by myself. Your love and support is tremendous. And I am very thankful for you. I know I have it better than a lot of people and I know some people would do anything to have a family like this. I love you each very much and I thank you.

To anyone reading this, you may be thinking this is harsh at times, but this is real. This is real life. 

This roller coaster ride is about to end. I am jumping off at the next stop. My future is a white clean slate and only God knows what will happen. But like I always say, I am trusting him. Through the hurt, through the confusion, through the tears and pain..I am trusting God. Nursing school starts in a little over a month and that is my main focus right now. I am starting a new beginning and I know in my heart that I can and WILL reach success. 

Up to speed on happiness....

I am quickly seeing things in a different light. Is it because I am finally making myself happy? 

Let me bring you up to date on a few big things...

1. I got my acceptance letter for Nursing School...that is right...I got accepted. Talk about a new beginning. When I made the decision to go back this route, I put it in God's hands. I told him I wanted HIS will to be done. Whatever is suppose to happen, will happen. Took my residual test 2 weeks ago, and this past Friday I grabbed that envelope out of the mailbox. And when I opened it, I knew this was a new start. A new beginning. Orientation for Troy Nursing August 5th. Excitement.

2. Everyday I take the negative and the drag me downs of life, and I literally picture a dumpster or trash can and take each drag me down, one by one and toss them into the trash. Whether it's feelings, people, obstacles. I do this everyday.

3. I have found a new love for making myself happy. I used to want to just give up and settle. I have fought through the lonliness and taken the time to get to know myself again. To figure out my likes, my wants, my needs. In this quiet time I have with myself I have realized that I cannot hold on to my anger and be upset with myself forever, for always giving in. We all learn from our past. Thank goodness our past does not define us. Each day is a new beginning and WE CHOOSE how to make that day.

4. You are who you hang out with. Plain and simple. I am sorry, but I am not going to let anyone try and make me something I am not. In my life, God, Family/Close Friends who are basically family,Work are my top 3.  I will not let any of these 3 things suffer because of who I am hanging out with. I felt at one point in time within the past month that each of those 3 things above were in the beginning stages of being put to the side. WHAT?! Oh no. NOT okay. My God's love is everlasting. My family will ALWAYS be there. My job is one of the MOST IMPORTANT things in my life to me. It is a blessing. Basically, you don't like what I just said, then don't. But that's who I am and how I feel. Take it as it is.

5. We cannot change or save other people. All we can do is be the example and the light that someone needs to see. End of story. Period.
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6. God is working. God is always working in your life. Let Him work. Let Him guide your life. Who cares if a guy is a total idiot and hurt your feelings more than one time. Chances are, it is his loss...not yours. Who cares if things aren't going your way...It's GOD'S PLAN not ours...Remember to respect yourself to know that you deserve the VERY BEST. Not saying to be picky or snotty...but just don't settle. Once you are happy, you will see all the pieces falling together. Just like I said yesterday...

Eventually, all the pieces start falling together, time finally moves, the heart heals and that is when you realize that you're finding your happiness again.

Remember, we cannot control this world. We cannot control what other people do. But we can control our emotions and how we treat others. Smile, keep your head up and in the wise words of The Beatles, whisper words of wisdom, let it be.

Scared as hell

Truth is, I always give up and cave in because I am scared as hell to be alone....scratch that..not alone, just never finding someone. There. It's out there and it's in the open now. I am scared to be alone. What if I never find anyone? What if I live a lonely life as the cat woman with a few dogs?

I can't do it.

I mean , If I were a guy...I would date me in a heartbeat. (is that really bad to say?!)

Here lately, I have has a few charming guys walk into my life. The first obviously didn't work out and the next few...well I am just not interested in dating right now. Or maybe it's just I am not interested in dating them? I have such a bitter taste in my mouth that I just cannot even think about it. Unless it's with Mr. Jaded (not real name....real name is secret.) Basically the story goes that he is so jaded and will not open with feelings to many. Maybe even none. But for some reason, I play the game with him. My terms and on his terms. There's a little glimmer of hope on the inside that says "hey, maybe this time if you don't freak out and run back to what you know, that maybe he will see you are real and that you aren't going anywhere." But really y'all, it's not about the boys and the love, and the blah blah blah. It's about having time to myself. It's about getting to know myself again and to act how I want. (Appropriately of course ). But not a day goes by that I wonder if my husband is out there. Trust me when I say, I am in NO RUSH to get married or have kids. A whole new life path has opened up before me and I am doing it and I am doing it B I G. I have made the decision to go to Nursing School. Eventually climb the ladder and my ultimate is to be a Nurse Practitioner. So...when I say I have and will have my hands full..that is no joke.

I just need to figure out patience. I need to remind myself that there are good guys out there and that I will have my guy one day. The man who appreciates me and loves me for ME. Who respects my values and my morals.

Trust me when I say, I ain't going back down the path I just got off of. It was a mutual agreement and ended peacefully. The way it should have. I can't rush love and I cannot be with someone because I am lonely. In time, it will happen. And until then I will enjoy my time and load myself up with my studies.

Learning to not be scared as hell will also be added to that "to-do" list.

For the time being, I am going to run my little butt. Study my life away. And laugh at the confusion- because when you look at the big picture, I am a blessed girl who has amazing friends and family. I have a life that I am BEYOND thankful for and I have a God THAT LOVES ME. My best interest is in HIS mind.

Let's get Real here...

Okay so, time to get real.

Please do not get offended by this post. I am not focusing on anyone in particular. It's just something I have noticed in the past year & a half of blogging.

Do you ever get caught up in what others are doing? You feel like you have to join in in order to be "cool" or to get your blog noticed? The more followers the better? The more comments left on each post, the better?

Take a moment to look to your right..I have 2 followers. TWO. Does that bother me? Honestly, no it doesn't. But if I was so caught up in what other bloggers were doing and who has more followers and who has the coolest giveaway for the week, then yes. It would bother me. 

Those 2 followers I have, are amazing ladies, and their hearts for our Lord are a burning with fire for Him. 

You see, for me, it is quality. Not quantity.

And please don't take me or this the wrong way..I am honestly not hating. I am just wanting to share my thoughts. For me, blogging is a way to express myself. To open up my heart to many people I do not know. Maybe it's because we are in front of a screen and not actually seeing these people daily. Or maybe it's just the fact that friendships are made in the blogging world. Friendships that wouldn't exist if it wasn't for the blog. Whatever the reasoning may be, I am thankful for it. God has called me to be me. Not anyone else. To compare myself (yourself) to anyone else is kind of like a slap. We were each made individually with ways that others don't have. Yes, we are human and comparing is always something that will be there...thank you society today. But seriously, it would be so boring if we were all the same. Readers go to different blogs because each one is different. 

So for me to try & put on a show for you guys would be a lie. Because that's not me. I am a messy, unorganized, blonde girl who never has her brain with her when she needs it. I am not made of money, but I do work for my money. My hair is not always camera ready and after 3 years of braces in high school I STILL don't   have pretty teeth. Heck I have a few fake ones. I mean I'm getting real here...so why not share. I've been in college for 5 years and I am just now figuring out what direction to take for my future career. 

What I'm saying is BE YOU. Don't let the pressures of the world beat you down. Whether you are a size 1 or a size 14. Whether you spent a lot of money on a design or you made your design. Don't let anyone make you feel like you are not good enough. Feel confident. Be YOU. And if someone posts that picture of an apple on Instagram and has 65 likes in about 10 minutes...SO WHAT. I mean really...it's a freakin apple. Let's get real people. No one cares about your apple or how many "likes" you get. I mean really.

Let your blog be a reflection of who you are. You don't have to have the best camera or the coolest hair video.  SO with all of this being said....

Let YOUR creativity explode on your blog. 

+Jumbled+

Talk about a break from the blog!

Some days my mind just feels jumbled. I don't have anything done and I am not feeling motivated what so ever. With a decision & change in my career path, a light & motivation has been creeping back in..slowly. 

Maybe it's the cold weather? Usually by this time, I am well into my runs and working out. I've ran twice in the past month. When the high is about 40, I don't want to run. I don't want to work out. Both require getting in the car and driving to either park downtown to run, or parking at PF and walking inside..in the cold. TALK ABOUT LAZY!!! Who am I ??? 

This has got to change. ASAP. Like today. Like N O W.

1st off, I started with some motivational quotes. Grapped a sharpie pen and some sticky notes. Went to town writing inspirational & motivational quotes and I am going to stick those suckers everywhere. From my planner, to my bathroom to my car to my closet. You get it...everywhere. I am the type of person who gets motivated & the light clicks when I see a quote or verse that inspires me. I love being inspired. Inspiration leads to great things. 

2nd, today since both classes are canceled for me, I will play catch up. From school work to doing things that I have been procrastinating. Today is THE DAY. I plan on having an afternoon cup of joe date with my planner and about 20 pages of copy paper to brainstorm plans, workout plans, etc.

3rd. Monday I had a cry meltdown on the way to class. You see, the first college I attended in 2008 did not accept my student loan. So I took a few classes a semester and we paid out of pocket. Well, I transferred to Auburn Mont. ( they accepted my loan) and I have been going there full time since 2010. With this career path change, I am heading back to college #1 which is THOUSANDS of dollars cheaper. And I mean thousands. 12 hours at college 1 will be the price of 1 class +fees at Auburn Mont... SO meltdown began when I realized that I only have a few months to get my money together for 1st semester. I don't get financial aide, because my parents "make too much", but really how is that possible in today's economy?  Especially now that our wonderful President Obama (can you hear my sarcasm. barf.) has furloughed our AMAZING military. Talk about a stab in the back. (Yes, my dad is retired military & still works on base) 

So this leads me to budgeting and to STOP EATING OUT. Kory, fire up that grill because we are eating IN from now on!

And also, I am learning to stop worrying. Worrying does nothing good. Handle one day at a time, and move on. Deal with tomorrow, tomorrow.

Choose FAITH over worry!!

If you've read this far, props to you. If not, I don't blame you. That's a lot of words up there. 

Adding to the list of things to to-do today, I will also be making a button ( finally! ) for my blog and will be available starting tomorrow. (along with a post of why I choose to stay R E A L with my blog, instead of putting on a show...yes. I am going there. #loveyoumeanit )

Have a beautiful day my lovely readers!!

Hello Monday #1

Hello long day of countless hours on campus

hello day I just want to stay in bed on

hello day of second job I'm picking up interview

hello day of feelings and thoughts about how much I dislike my college

hello day of needing more than 2 cups of coffee

hello day of wishing I was still at the beach and dreaming away

hello day. you are the beginning of a new week

hello day that is one day closer to my future

hello day that is my future that will soon be a yesterday

hello day that God has created

hello day that I will rejoice in no matter what

Hello Monday

Linking up with Lisa over at Lisa Leonard Blog for Hello Monday!

Have a wonderful Monday friends!